


Rabbit Hunt

by tiedyeflag



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Bunnies, Pranks, Rabbits, buns loose in the base and lots of fluffy bunnies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-26
Updated: 2016-06-26
Packaged: 2018-07-18 07:29:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7305280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiedyeflag/pseuds/tiedyeflag
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rabbits are loose in the RED team's base, and everyone's trying to catch them all!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rabbit Hunt

Waking up at the crack of dawn at Soldier’s call was not unusual.

Seeing him sitting at the table with a rabbit in his arms was.

“A freakin’ rabbit?!” Scout leaned over from the other end of the table, agog at the living bundle of fluff sniffing the air. “When did you get a rabbit?!”

“I found him sleeping in my helmet this morning!” Soldier yelled, but less loudly than usual.

“May I take a closer look at et?” Medic asked. Soldier nodded, and handed the bunny over as carefully as a priceless treasure. Medic stared at its face, its floppy ears, and then inspected its nether regions.

“Ah! Et appears it's a ‘she’,” Medic proclaimed before cradling it into his arms. “But how did zhis little one get into the base?”

“I have no idea, but look!” Soldier pointed at the back of the rabbit’s neck. Medic gently reached around and felt string loosely around the neck, and a piece of paper attached to it. When he pulled it forward, he discovered the number four printed plainly on the tag.

“Vat does zhis mean?” Medic said while stroking the rabbit’s grey fur.

“Maybe she won fourth place at a bunny contest or somethin’?” Scout scratched his ear.

“But base in middle of desert!” Heavy interjected. “What rabbit contest in middle of nowhere?”

“Heavy’s correct,” Spy reached into his suit for a cigarette. “How would a little rabbit find it’s way all the way out here? Besides,” he lit his cigarette and briefly puffed, “I believe the number around her neck means something more…”

“Yes, yes...my, aren’t you adorable,” Medic chuckled as he ticked the rabbit behind her ears. Pyro also hovered over her, making cooing sounds through his gas mask.

“Hey, lemme hold her!” Scout shoved past Heavy towards Medic with outstretched arms.

“I think Spy’s got a point,” Engie said while staring at the number four.

“What, that she has four other brothers and they use the numbers to tell ‘em apart?” Scout whined while still reaching for the rabbit, who Medic refused to give up.

“Blimey, I got it!” Demo slapped his fist into his palm. “There are more rabbits loose!”

“Precisely,” Spy let his cigarette balance between his fingers. “And the others must still be somewhere in this base!”

“But why?”

“I don’t know...perhaps team BLU sent us a trap,” Spy paused when he saw Medic crossing his now empty arms. Scout, at long last, held the rabbit close to his face. Spy rolled his eyes. “I suspect it’s someone’s idea of an elaborate prank, however.” He narrowed his eyes as he suspiciously gazed around the room. No one exhibited any hints of hiding something, and Scout was too preoccupied sticking his two front teeth out like the rabbit’s.

“Well, what are we standing around here for?” Engie grinned. “We’ve got some buns to corral!”

* * *

 “Heeeeeeeere, _kleiner Hase_ ,” Medic made kissing sounds as he waved a carrot close to the ground. “Come out vherever you are,” He peeked under a tablecloth, finding nothing but dust bunnies. Wrong kind of rabbit.

“Okay...if I ver a rabbit, vhere vould I hide?” He tapped the carrot to his chin.

“Psst, Doktor! Over here!” Heavy whispered and waved at Medic. He walked over and knelt next to Heavy, near his beloved minigun.

“Vhat-”

Heavy pressed a finger to his lips, then pointed at the space between the barrel and the floor. In the shadows, a lump of ebony black fur shivered, with two equally dark eyes staring back.

“Poor thing scared. Maybe scared of me.”

“Vell, not for long,” Medic nudged the carrot into Heavy’s hand. He blinked at it, then stared at Medic. And then back at the carrot.

“I’m sure it’ll varm up to you vith a little treat! Go on!” Medic patted Heavy encouragingly on the shoulder.

Heavy hesitantly held out the carrot, barely eighteen inches from the rabbit. It backed up as its ears folded backwards.

“Shhhhh, все нормально,” Heavy comforted, “не бойся. Я друг.”

The rabbit’s ears perked a fraction, and sniffed curiously. Heavy lowered the carrot until it touched the floor and murmured more encouragements. After a pensive moment, the rabbit hopped forward. It inched closer and closer until the nose brushed against the carrot tip. As it nibbled at the vegetable, Heavy gently brushed through it’s fur, calloused fingertips against velvet softness.

“I think et likes you!” Medic chuckled.

“Ah, that very good,” Heavy carefully scooped up the rabbit and held it close to his heart. He and Medic then noticed a tag tied around it’s neck. Medic flipped it over and revealed a number one printed on it.

“You know what, Doktor? I think I will call маленький кролик Sasha Jr.,”

Medic dropped the tag and bent over laughing. He slapped his knee and wheezed, “Aha-oh, Heavy, zhat’s a vonderful name. M-much better than calling it _eins!_ ”

* * *

 Engie drummed his fingers on his knee. He positioned himself so he could remain hidden from the center of the room, yet could still get a clear view of it. After an hour of tinkering with boxes, ropes, and a bushel of carrots, he finally constructed his device; a couple of pulleys holding a string that kept a cardboard box up with carrots lying underneath. Engie held onto the free end of the rope, keeping the string taut. When the rabbit hopped within range of the box, he would let go of the rope, dropping the box on top of the rabbit.

Why go looking for a bunny when you can make it come to you?

A gloved finger tap his shoulder.

“In a minute, partner,” Engie shrugged, eyes never breaking contact from the box.

“Mmmph mm phmm!”

“Patience, firebug, that rabbit’ll come annnny second now,”

“...”

“Heh, never thought I’d ever have to solve _this_ kind of practical problem in my career. Been ages since I made something _not_ outta gu-”

A rabbit with daffodil colored fur dangled in front of his face, blinking innocently two inches from Engie’s nose.

“What in the blue blazes?!” Engie cried as he fell from his seat. Once he got to his bearings, he pushed his helmet out of his eyes and looked up. Pyro stood next to him with his gloved hands caressing the rabbit, fondling its ears, one floppy and one straight.

“Well, I’ll be! How’d you catch the little critter?” Engie grinned and stood.

“Phmm mm mmphm mmm!” Pyro held the rabbit as proud as a first grader with a sticker on their test. The rabbit sneezed, and wiped its paws over its face.

“Awwww, aren’t you a cutie-patootie,” Engie cooed. He caught sight of a tag with a two printed on it.

“Mm! Mmph mm!” Pyro said, holding the rabbit at an arm’s length when bb sized brown pellets suddenly fell to the ground.

“Aw shoot! Don’t poop in my workshop! Hang on, I think I’ve got some newspaper around here somewhere!”

* * *

 Three rabbits sat on the table as Medic paced in front deep in thought. “I don’t understand. Zhere should be one more!” He gestured to the rabbits.

“Not everyone’s back yet, partner,” Engie patted Medic on the shoulder. “I’m sure they’ll come running back with the last little critter any second now.”

Meanwhile, Scout and Pyro propped their elbows on the table with their heads between their arms. Scout poked at the fur of the grey rabbit and muttered, “I still think one of ‘em should be named Scout the Second.”

Pyro shook their head.

Scout glared. “Oh yeah? Gimme one good reason why not?” Then a large hand from behind shoved his cap down his face.

“You not find rabbit, you not name rabbit,” Heavy said with a bowl of lettuce in his other hand.

“But yellow and grey over here don’t have names yet!”

“The yellow’s name is Paul,” Engie interjected. “After Miss Pauling.”

“And black rabbit Sasha Jr.,” Heavy put the bowl on the table. Immediately, the rabbits scrambled towards it and nibbled at the leaves.

“Yeah, yeah, and when’s Soldier gonna name lil’ grey, the next century?” Scout pointed at Soldier who sat in a corner scribbling potential names on an old notepad. “C’mon, can’t I at least give it a nick-”

 _-thumpthumpthumpTHUMPTHUMP_ came heavy footsteps approaching from the hallway. The door opened, and Demo entered, but then tripped. He fell onto the unforgiving tile, shattering a whisky bottle in his hand.

“What the hell?!” Scout nearly jumped into Pyro’s arms.

“Ooooh, me head…” Demo groaned as he sat up.

“Demo?!” Medic exclaimed as he helped Demoman onto his feet. “Vhat’s wrong?”

“Find another rabbit?” Engie asked.

“Nay laddies, but I found something else. You might want to have a look at it.”

* * *

 Demo led them to the garage and flicked on the lights. He walked towards a rectangular shape covered in a red tarp and sitting near the far wall. “Here we are,” Demo raised the tarp covering an airy crate full of holes. Not bullet holes, but the kind for animal bins. And one side was cracked open enough for a bunny to slip through.

“So the little maggots came from here, did they?” Soldier crouched down to the opening, catching a fresh whiff of hay.

“That’s nothing, wait until you see _this!_ ” Demo pulled the rest of the tarp off with a flourish, accidentally covering Scout with it.

“‘Ey! Get me outta here!” He cried while flailing his arms and trying to toss the enormous tarp off but with no success. As Medic and Heavy helped Scout out from the darkness, Engie raised the brim of his helmet as he stared at the address sticker on the side. His lips moved silently as he read the chicken scratch letters.

“Australia?!”

“Vhat now?” Medic said.

“The return address is Australia!”

“Exactly,” Demo added. “And hasn’t any of you laddies noticed someone’s been missing this whole time?”

“...Snipes!” Scout jumped up. “He’s hogging the last bunny for himself!”

“Ehhhh, more like he’s probably responsible for all this in the fir-.”

“I’m gonna find him! I find the rabbit, I name it!” Scout shoved past his teammates and ran towards the door. “Scout the Second, here I come!!”

* * *

 Cross legged across the couch outside his camper, Sniper inhaled deeply as he placed a magazine over his sleepy face. No chatter or shouts around him, but the faintest whisper of wind. Peace and quiet. What more could he ask for? He began drifting into sleep, so he barely heard the footsteps approaching his spot.

“Snipes! Snipes, wake up!” Something pointy poked at his cheek. His brows furrowed.

“Five more minutes,” Sniper mumbled and batted Scout’s hand away.

“Alright, then tell me where ya hid the rabbit!”

“...Don’t know what you’re talkin’ ‘bout, mate.”

Sniper felt someone snatch the magazine from his face, and the dark of his eyelids sensed light. He reluctantly cracked them open. Seven faces stared down at him.

“...Guess the gig’s up, huh?” He grumbled and ran a hand through his unkempt hair.

“So you confess?” Soldier demanded. “You released the little maggots in the base?”

“Jus’ a lil’ prank I learned from high school,” Sniper said as he sat up. “Long story short, oi jus’ wanted some peace and quiet for a change and figured the ol’ ‘missing rabbit prank’ would keep you busy for a while. Heh heh, and looks like it did.”

“Prank?” Heavy leaned on the couch. “How prank work?”

“Oi take it you found all the rabbits?”

“No, can’t find rabbit three...”

“Exactly.”

“So what, where’d ya hide it?” Scout narrowed his eyes.

“Can’t hide somethin’ that doesn’t exist, mate.”

“W-what?”

“That’s the trick; you label the little guys with numbers an’ skip one in the middle. Then everyone’ll think there’s another one, and turn the whole place inside out tryin’ to find it.”

“And you did zis in high school?” Medic adjusted his glasses. “ _You?_ ”

“Nah, the older kids did it, the rest of us just watched or helped catch the little shitters.”

“So you got your hands on three little rabbits, let them loo-”

“Say what, Doc?”

“I said three rabbi-”

“But oi let out four last night!”

“WHAT?!” Everyone cried.

“Yeah, rabbits one, two, four, and five!”

“But we only found rabbits one, two, and four!” Soldier held up four of his fingers and counted off three, leaving only his pointer finger remaining.

“Alright, who’s hiding a rabbit?” Soldier pointed at everyone in the room, no one budging. “Come on, you cowards, we haven’t got all day!”

Everyone glanced at each other, searching for signs of bunny on them.

“Wait a second…” Sniper began slowly. “...Where’s spoi?”

* * *

 Midday sun filtered past the curtains, only partially lighting the dim smoking room. In front of the unused fireplace was a fine leather chair and a side table with an ashtray, an empty liquor glass, and a copy of _Dapper Cadaver_. In the chair sat Spy, but not smoking an expensive cigarette. His hands were preoccupied with a white, fluffy mass bigger than his head in his lap. Occasionally a pair of ears and pink nose would twitch.

“Ah...my _petit chou-fleur_ ,” Spy murmured. “ _Au sens propre._ ”

 _BANG, BANG, BANG!!_ “Yo, Spy! You in there?”

Spy rolled his eyes. “Go away.”

He heard the door open, and knew without looking Scout popped his head inside the room. “D’ja find a-AHA!!”

“I know it is difficult for you to shut up, Scout, however, I do not wish to go deaf by one of your idiotic spiels. So, keep it down.”

“Alright, I found it, I name it!” He dashed to the side of the chair. “Hell-oooo, Scout the-”

“I said to keep it down!” Spy hissed. “You’ll wake her!”

“Pshhh, fine, but only if I get to name her Scout the Second.”

“...of everything you have ever said, that is the most ridiculous thing that’s ever come out of your mouth.”

“What, you got a better name?” Scout squared his fists on his hips.

“... _Petit chou-fleur_. It means ‘little cauliflower’ in your language.”

Scout snickered, struggling not to laugh. “You’re naming it after a _vegetable?_ ”

Spy raised a brow as his mouth twitched. Scout stared back, then at the rabbit. With her eyes closed, she looked like a massive white furball as big as a cabbage...or a cauli...Oh.

“O-okay, that’s not a bad name for...that rabbit, I admit it.”

“Not as _hare_ -brained as your suggestion, no?” Spy smirked.

“Oh, _you’re_ a riot,” Scout huffed with a glare. He marched to the door and slammed it shut. Even through the thick walls, Spy could still hear Scout’s stomping. Once they faded away, Spy leaned back as the rabbit made herself comfortable in his lap. She was well groomed and well behaved. Unlike some mercenaries Spy knew.

“You may stay as long as you like, _mon cheri._ ”

**Author's Note:**

> Phew, first fic in the tf2 fandom! I blame my friend eli aka Birdfluff on here for getting me into the gay. I got him into Clockwork (comic), and they got me into Team Fortress 2. Hopefully this will mean more tf2 fics to come! And a big thank you to eli for proofreading the fic for me! <3


End file.
